Changes?

So denial is my life. Iv turned my life into something I hate. I hate when everything unravels I try to change it and I always go in the wrong direction. The first sign of something being difficult I shut everything down. I miss art. I miss passion. I miss questioning everything. I'm officially off all medication in a washout period, 8 weeks in. I'm in the red zone, the relapse zone. I havin't had a relapse in over 2 years. Multiple Sclerosis has one benefit. It gives me the opertunity to step back and look at where I am. It's like a break from real life. Sick life. This relapse could be the big one, and where am I? Nowhere. I am being pulled back into visual arts by my MS. The pull of money every month is disgustin, but always there. For the past week and a half I have been hallucinating almost every night. This is new. A man I don't know is in my home. Greg says there is nobody here. I see insects that dont exist and geometric shapes in colours I can't describe. Like visual music. Mayb this is my mind telling my something. I am impressed that these things are somewhere deep in my mind I can't access. I need to create. I need to show you what I'm seeing. I can't ignore this blog for another 6 Months. It will be be my escape. I need to figure things out.